


Love with the lads

by This_Is_Our_Swamp



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Shrek (Movies), Shrek The Musical - Tesori/Lindsay-Abaire, The Backyardigans
Genre: 2 idiots in love, AOT/Shrek crossover, Albertshins, Dom!Shrek, Football, Hockey, Jock!Shrek, M/M, Mentioned Uniqua X Tyrone, Mildly Explicit, Modern AU, Nerd!Erwin, Nerdwin, Run probably, Shrekwin, Soccer, What awful things did you do to end up on this fic, bottom!Erwin, cum, sub!Erwin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Is_Our_Swamp/pseuds/This_Is_Our_Swamp
Summary: Erwin is trying to avoid his bully, Shrek, but little does he know, Shrek is looking for him for a very specific reason. Two enemies meet in an unlikely way and do unsavory things to each other. Or, really, Shrek's the one doing things.
Relationships: Shrek/Erwin Smith, Uniqua/Tyrone
Kudos: 2





	1. "Did we have a little accident… lad."

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends

Today was not like any other day for Erwin. Today was Tuesday, and Erwin likes Tuesdays. He also had a shift at Albertshins after school which he was really looking forward to. With his parents, Uniqua and Tyrone, fighting more and more these days, getting out of the house was something Erwin looked forward to.   
As Erwin got out of bed he began to collect his things and put on his underwear with pictures of himself and himself flavored. Even though there were massive stains because Erwin is an anti-wiper, he continues to wear the old underwear. As his time grew shorter he rushed to get himself ready, and stumbled his way out the door.   
I hope I don’t run into Shrek today, Erwin thought as he ran to school, I barely look presentable!  
Surprisingly, Shrek did not show up at all that day, leaving Erwin slightly disappointed. Even though Shrek would have beat the shit out of him, there would have been one more story to tell to his future Shreklings.   
Erwin started his shift at Albetshins by restocking the shelves. That was his favorite job because even the thought of filling the shelves with cans and his warm hand makes him shiver. He promised himself he would behave this time stocking the shelves though, because last time he almost got fired for what he did.   
He makes his way towards the cart of items that need to go to a shelf, and as he reaches one his breath begins to shake. His member twitches as he grabs a can and puts it on the shelf. He starts thinking of Shrek and begins shaking while he continues to restock. He begins whispering Shreks name as he restocks harder and faster, and while he does his breath gets heavier.  
Just as he was about done with the cans, he hears a familiar voice. He runs towards the entrance and see’s the entire soccer team follow him inside.   
So that’s why he wasn’t at school today… Erwin thinks to himself, I look awful, I can’t let him see me like this, I haven’t even combed my hair, let alone my eyebrows.  
He tried his best to dodge and avoid Shrek so he wouldn't see him, and was doing very well. As he was doing his final task for the day he heard someone approaching him from behind.  
"You thought you could avoid me, aye lad"  
Shreks hot breath filled Erwin's ears. He turned around and met Shrek's chest. He looked up and was met with a devious grin, his teeth stained dark yellow and filled with bugs.   
Erwin nutted so many times he deflated.  
"Aren't you gonna say anything, why were you avoiding me, lad?" Shrek moved his fist back, "don't make me beat it out of you, lad"  
There was so much cream in Erwins pants they began to sag a little bit, slowly falling down.  
As much as Erwin wanted to stay, he couldn't with his man juice swimming in his pants.   
"I need to go take care of something," Erwin said with urgency. He shuffles away, trying to keep his pants up, and his vanilla custard in his pants.   
Erwin enters the break room, finally able to relax. He tries to catch his breath before dealing with his white frosting. In that moment, Shrek busts through the door just as Erwin did in his pants a few minutes ago.   
"Whaddya think you're doing, lad" Shrek whispers, "don't think you can keep running away from me, lad"   
"S-S-S… sh… sh-sh-sh-sh…. sh… Shrek," Erwin was terrified, "you can't be in here… what about the rest of the football team!"   
He moved closer, "what about it, lad," Shrek reaches Erwins ass and squishes the sagging pants, filled with 1 pound of love liquid. "Did we have a little accident… lad." Shrek begins to unbuckle Erwins belt and pulls down his pants.   
"SHRE-" Shrek quickly shushes Erwin.  
"We don't want our friends to hear us… do we, lad?"   
With Erwins pants and underwear fully removed, Shrek lets out a small giggle. "Well, what do we have here, lad?"   
"Shrek, I can explain, I was restocking the shelves so obviously I started getting horny and-" Shrek quickly puts his hand over Erwins mouth.  
"It's okay lad, I know how to handle this lad.." He gets a spoon out of his pocket and grin's.   
"No, you can't, sh… sh-sh-sh -sh-sh…. sh… sh-sh-sh-sh… Shrek, "   
"I said I got this."   
Shrek stares and the mayo filled pants. He draws out his spoon and shovels the man yogurt into his mouth.   
"It tastes like yummy yogurt, lad," He said with a confident smile.   
He scrapes the underwear clean until he can see the brown and yellow stains.   
"Sh…. Shrek… you're embarrassing me," Erwin squeaks.  
"What's embarrassing about shit stains, lad?" Shrek questions, "I think it looks mad tasty, lad."  
He struggles to separate the underwear from the pants, but as he comes closer to separating the two articles of clothing from one another, Erwin begins to panic, remembering how his underwear has photos of him on it.  
"WAIT, NO!"   
Shrek reveals the underwear and stares and it, then stares back at Erwin. He stands speechless in front of him.   
"I have a large family… we couldn't tell each other's underwear apart so we all printed photos of us on it to tell which pair belonged to who…"   
"That's so hot, lad." He kisses every little Erwin in the underwear without breaking eye contact with the real Erwin. He then licks the brown stains clean off the underwear. Once the stain leaves he places the underwear on Erwins leg and pats it twice.   
"Consider them washed, lad," he winks.   
"Shrek… thank you... now I won't have to wash them for another couple weeks!" Erwin's face   
Shrek gathers his things and begins to exit the break room. Looking back at Erwin for no more than a second, and looking away.  
"I need to head back to my hockey team, lad, but make sure next time you leave those undies extra dirty, lad." Without giving Erwin the chance to respond, he leaves.   
Erwin also leaves a few minutes after Shrek just in time to see the whole volleyball team leave. By the time the two were done it was almost 7:00, which meant that Erwins shift was about to end. He starts to pack up his things, leaving all of his tasks undone and leaves Albertshins thinking about what an awful employee he is.  
Even though Erwin was hoping he did not see Shrek today, it turned out well for the both of them. Hopefully he will come in the next time he has a shift.


	2. "LAD, GIVE ME YOUR MELTED MARSHMALLOW, LAD"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erwin is getting tired. But then Shrek comes to him with an idea. One that might just rejuvenate his near dry stores of liquid love. But will it tear the two lovers apart along the way?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friend

Ever since that day in the office at Albertshins, Shrek has been very aggressive. He comes up to me and demands my pants cream and calls it his “sticky treat”. As much as I like this exchange, I was silently wishing that he would like me for more than what comes out of my penis, but I guess some dreams are too good to be true.   
“HEY, LAD!” I hear Shrek coming in the distance. I tried to look around the store to see if there was anywhere I could run. My balls have been very exhausted so today I was hoping they could take a break. In the heat of the moment with nowhere to go, I booked it towards the restroom.   
“DON’T THINK I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING, LAD!” Shrek starts to run even faster. In great fear for myself I tried to run faster as well, but I am just such a geek, and geeks don’t exercise.   
We both enter the bathroom, panting. Neither of us daring to break the delicate silence-  
“LAD, GIVE ME YOUR MELTED MARSHMALLOW, LAD” Shrek screeches while walking uncomfortably close. I can tell Shrek is excited because when he is excited he says lad a lot.   
“No, you don’t deserve it after what you did to me last week” I look down at the floor angrily. Last week he told everyone in school I had syphilis and gonorrhea, and that really hurt my feelings.   
“I only said that so people wouldn’t milk you for your gold, lad” He sounds sorry. I draw out a long sigh. My scrotums are very sore… but I would do anything for Shrek. I understand where he is coming from, and I think that he meant well when told everyone I had two contagious STDs, but it has affected me a lot. People call me gonorrhea boy. The only bright side is that now if my manager tries to fire me for not doing my job I can sue him for hate crime.   
“Shrek, I need some time alone.🦤”   
“Lad, please lad!” I start to walk away before I hear Shrek call after me. I can tell Shrek is very mad because when he is very mad he says lad a lot.  
“I want to open a restaurant, lad!!” With those words, I get emotional. No one has ever loved my mozzarella cheese as much as he does.  
“With a little seasoning we can do so much with your mashed potatoes, lad… a couple weeks ago I seasoned your stuffing with cumin and oregano, lad. It tasted very good, lad. I fed it to my friends and mum, lad and they really liked it, lad” I can tell Shrek is very nervous because when he is nervous he says lad a lot. “That’s the real reason I told everyone that you had syphilis and gonorrhea, because after everyone tried it they would have tried to take your fresh snow away!”  
“Y… yo-you think so?”   
“Lad, I know so, lad” I trust Shrek. I can tell Shrek is confident because when he is confident he says lad a lot. I am very excited for this fresh start, since I was 5 I wanted to sell my coconut milk for profit, but I thought those dreams were too crazy to ever come true.  
“Before we do anything too crazy I think we should make food samples, like a creamsicle or banana cream pie and let others choose which one is a great menu item.”  
“That’s great, lad, amazing work, lad” Shrek whispers, “I will start making recipes for our restaurant and you can give them to your roommates, lad! What are their names, lad?” I can tell Shrek is really happy, because when he is happy he says lad a lot.  
“Their names are Alvin and Levi.”  
“Can you give them my recipes, lad?”  
“No, they moved out recently.”  
I still don’t know why they moved out. They were saying things like “stop finger painting with your poop”, and “stop getting horny while reorganizing the shelves.” Heh. They know nothing of my true power.  
I start to get back to my job and restock the shelves again.   
“Anyway, you wanna hear the name of the restaurant, lad!” Shrek screamed.  
“Boy, do I!” When I was younger I wanted to name my restaurant “Creative Cream”, because I was making so many variations of the same dish. I still really like that name! “Wait, can we name it Creative Cream!”  
“No, that sounds like a hooker name, lad.” He is right, Creative Cream is the most awful name I have ever heard, I wonder who came up with it.  
“I was thinking of the name Shrek’s Delightful Scrotum, how does that sound, lad!” Shrek was practically beaming.  
“That isn’t fair though, it’s my scrotum that’s providing that main ingredient.”  
“Yes, Lad, I know, but if we make it Erwin’s Scrotum the cops will find you.”  
“Oh, yeah, I forgot.” I ponder for a second. Is this the best possible name for our restaurant? I want this to be a romantic gesture type of thing. I have an idea… but I probably shouldn’t say. “Then I think your name is perfect.”   
I am upset. I want it to be something else, but I know that if I tell Shrek he will kick me.  
“You know, lad,” Shrek turns to me, “I am getting pretty hungry, lad”.  
“Is that so…” I look over to face Shrek. We are in a kitchen after all...  
I can tell Shrek wants to eat my cum, because when he wants to eat my cum he takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye friend


	3. "Mommy isn't making any milk, lad!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek gets... hungry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friend

Shrek has been asking me for weeks now to move in. Not only to try out some new recipes for our restaurant, but also because his hunger has begun to increase.   
“For the last time, you can not move in, Shrek.” As much as I want to give Shrek everything he wants, living with me is crossing a line. I have done everything that he has wanted up until now. If he lived with me that means that he would take up my entire life, even though Uniqua and Tyrone are gone most of the time and fight when they are home, I still like that it is the one place I can catch my breath.  
“Come on, lad,” Shrek catches up with me as we walk down the halls. School was out and we were planning on going to Shrek’s swamp before he insisted that we go to my house. “We will have so much fun together, lad! We will be together all day, lad!”   
He quickly walks in front of me and blocks my way, he towers over me in a confronting manner, “isn’t this what you always wanted… lad?”  
He wasn’t wrong, I always loved shrek. His solid earwax, the fact that bugs stuck to him like a magnet, it intrigued me from the beginning.   
“Of course I want it, I love you Shrek, it's just not the right time, okay?”  
“Then when will it be, lad.” He moves next to me in a swift spin and tugs on my shoulder, “I like you, and you like when I’m happy, right lad?”  
“Yes.” I meant it.  
“I make you happy too, right, lad?”  
“Yes.” I mean it. I have never been as happy as I am with Shrek.   
“I do things to make you happy, a lot of things. I work so hard to make sure I am the best boyfriend I can be, lad. I think you owe it to me to make me happy.”  
He’s right. He is smart, popular, and kind. He is nice enough to let someone like me be with someone like him, so how could I even begin to deny his requests. That is the only reason I am scared to move in with him. If he lives with me I know my life won’t be mine, but his.  
“I’m still not sure, will you let me think over it?” I am sure, it’s a no.  
“Okay, lad. Just remember I will bring as many eggs and spatulas as you please, lad,” he says suggestively while raising his eyebrows.  
“Shrek…” I am truly moved. He is thinking of me.  
He wraps his arms around me and squats to the height of my ears. His delicate, large hand swifts over my skin and ear, stroking my hair in the process. He inches towards my ear and takes a deep breath before talking.  
“We can use the eggs right now if you want, lad… and the spatula… as many as you want, lad.”   
“N..not here!” I spit out. Shrek places his cold hand against my burning skin.   
“Then maybe we can move it over to your house… I’ll need to bring my things over if you want to continue, lad.” He whispers against my ear. I guess Shrek will be moving himself to my apartment, whether I like it or not.  
“I will be at your house in an hour, make sure to get some eggs, I’ll bring the spatulas.” Before I can respond, Shrek picks up pace and sprints away to his house. 

I wake up to find myself taped to the ceiling. I don’t remember how, I just remember getting carried away with the eggs. I thrash around trying to loosen the tape from my grasp. Even though I am scared of the 9 foot drop, I wouldn’t dare ask for help, this is embarrassing enough as is. I continue to flop around in the air until a shot of nauseousness devors me. My throat tingles as I begin vicious fits of gags and juicy coughs. After about thirty seconds of being at the edge of regurgitating, something exits my mouth. I heard it splat to the floor before.   
So that’s what happened to the egg yolks.  
After a 10 minute break of lightly wiggling in the air I build up all of my strength to fold myself over, releasing the tape in the process.   
Thump.  
I fall straight to the floor, nose first. I am in so much pain right now. I feel that my hair has also fallen out of place. I want to die.  
I hear Shreks intense footsteps run across the apartment to enter my room. He swings the door open and stands at the door frame for a second analyzing my position. He looks up at the left over tape on the ceiling and slowly shifts his eyes towards me.   
“Shrek.”  
“Yes, lad?” He sounds nervous.  
“Did you happen to notice that I fell from the ceiling?”  
“Yes I did, lad.”  
“And do you see how I am on the floor now?”  
“I see, lad.”  
“What. Did. You. Do.”  
Shrek snorts, “to be honest, I don’t remember anything that happened after the spatulas, lad.”  
I am a bit mad, but I can’t blame him for not remembering, I don’t remember either.   
“Shrek.”  
“Ye-” he coughs, “yes, lad?”  
“Notice how I am still on the floor, trapped in tape.”  
“Oh, sorry, lad!”   
I sat in a superman position, and Shrek after who knows how long decided to help.   
He rushes over and takes his time ripping each individual strip off of my stomach and cuts the ties on my legs and hands. This might possibly be the worst pain I have ever felt.  
Once all of the ties and tapes have been cut, I try to get up. My knees feel like they are grinding while I try my best to get up. It is like I just sat up for the first time after an eighteen hour flight. I walk past Shrek to make my way towards the kitchen. Within the first (less than a day) he has already managed to mess up my place with his shit.   
I actually really like the messiness of his lifestyle. I think it is really nice, my only issue is the fact that my parents also live here and could come back any day, if they see this place is a mess I would be dead. My mom liked my last invited roommates Alvin and Levi a lot because they were a cute couple, and because Levi always made sure everything was in tip top shape. Alvin, however, is similar to Shrek. Maybe that’s why I... nevermind. If I bring this up again I’ll feel guilty and want to tell Levi.   
I shake away my previous train of thoughts and walk towards the fridge, but from the looks of all the wrappers and empty containers it seems as though Shrek has eaten everything already.   
I open the door to my fridge to have my suspicions proven, there is nothing in the fridge except for Shrek’s earwax jar.  
“LAD!” Shreks voice booms, “I’M HUNGRY, LAD!”  
I giggle at his words. He is so cute, he ate literally everything in my home and still has an appetite. “Is there anything you had in mind that you wanted?”   
“Well,” he glances at my penis, “I do have something in mind.”   
No. Absolutely not. I have been cumming way too much which has been making me produce and ejaculate more sperm. The average amount of vanilla ice cream in an ejaculation is about 1 teaspoon. I mine is now 1 pound per.   
“Shrek, I can’t. I have reached my limit for today.” He ponders for a second. He looks down at the floor thinking before his eyes flicker wide, he has an idea,  
“I think I have an idea, lad,” Shrek says, “maybe I can suck it out of you, lad.”  
WHAT?  
“EXCUSE ME?”   
Shrek makes his way towards me, without wasting a second he pulls down my pants and underwear. He levels out with my peen and looks up at me for approval. I give him an obvious nod of approval.   
He puts my member in his mouth and begins to suck it like a straw. I have never been used as a binkie before, so this is a new experience.  
“Is your plan working?” I was curious.  
“Mommy isn’t making any milk, lad!” I hear a temper tantrum coming up. “Shrek is hungry, lad! Milk won’t come for lad!”  
Shrek screams and cries. He stands up and starts to throw around the wrappers of the snacks he ate. I try to think about restocking shelves.   
“Okay, Shrek, let’s try this again.”  
Share walks back over to me and plops himself to the floor and puts my dick in his mouth. I still hear the sniffles from his crying session. I feel the stream coming out and into Shrek’s mouth. He sucks the juice out until my scrotums are shrivelled like raisins.   
I have to poop really bad, but Shrek keeps sucking, even though there is nothing left. I decided to just shit on the floor. I grunt in frustration to let out what was in my bladder. I hear something drop. Shrek perks up.  
“Dessert, lad?” He looks behind me and looks at me, “so the eggshell finally came out, lad.” He looks really disappointed that I didn’t poop. Luckily for him, I still have more stuff in me. I put so much pressure and held my breath to let out a long, thick poop.   
“Yay, you made brownies, lad!” Shrek is quick to grab my shit and eat it. He devours it as if he has never eaten food in his life. He even takes the liberty to lick the leftovers off his hand which makes more of a mess because he also has poop on his tongue.  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I hear movement at the front door.  
Oh, no.  
I hear the lock turn and the door open, “hello, Erwin! We are b-”  
They freeze and look at me in disgust. This will be hard to explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bye friend

**Author's Note:**

> bye friends


End file.
